第96章 「路上」
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些话飘到他耳朵里。像刀子。像苏眠的“别骗自己“。像老船夫的“拍完就回来“。像父亲的暗盒的温度。他没说话,只是摸着贴身口袋里的暗盒。温的。像父亲的手。像苏眠的指尖。像老周的暖水袋。暗盒上的“河“字硌着他的指尖,刻痕里的红泥已经干了,硬得像石头。像他欠的债。像他要走的路。
他又开始算时间线。这次想起来了。三月的凌汛。蓝帐篷里。苏眠的指尖沾着红泥。她的手放在他的脸上。凉。她说:“顾明远,河记得,你骗它,它就骗你。“他当时说:“河是死的,它记得什么?“现在他知道了。河是活的。记得他倒进去的净水剂。记得他扔进去的假景。记得他踩过的红泥。记得他所有骗自己的日子。记得他故意忘了的那次。记得他攥着苏眠手腕的温度。记得苏眠没躲的眼睛。记得所有。
他干呕了一下。还是没吐出来。只有眼泪掉下来。砸在帆布包上。砸出个小小的湿印子。很快就被风刮干。像他在渡口的干呕。像苏眠视频里的红泥指印。像005_鸟的划痕。像所有来不及的。像所有不敢认的。像所有刚开始的。
旁边的农民工又递给他一颗糖。还是橘子味的。他接过。这次剥开了。放进嘴里。甜的。酸酸的。像黄河的落日。像苏眠的指甲油。像老周暖水袋上的小鸭子。像真实的味道。
他摸了摸口袋里的橘子糖纸。橘色的。像“力务“的红光。像黄河的落日。像苏眠的银耳钉。像所有真实的、不骗人的颜色。他又摸了摸暗盒。温的。又摸了摸鹅卵石。凉的。又摸了摸茉莉花书签。脆的。又摸了摸粉色鞋带。软的。四种触感。四种温度。对应他生命里的四个部分:父辈的遗愿、当下的牵挂、过去的感情、未断的联系。都挤在贴身的口袋里。硌着他的肋骨。但是踏实。因为真实。因为不骗自己了。
大巴还在往前开。往兰州的方向。雪的味道越来越浓。S说“雪落之前“。他要在雪落之前找到苏眠。找到那个圆。回到起点。面对那个孩子。面对苏眠。面对自己。面对黄河。
窗外的沟壑还是像揉皱的纸。现在在夜里。看不清颜色。但是能看见亮的地方。是远处村子里的灯。像苏眠视频里的窗户上的光。像005_鸟的划痕。像他心里的亮痕。虽然小。但是有。虽然疼。但是真实。
刘禹锡的诗里的“沉舟侧畔千帆过“。沉舟是鹏程大厦的残架子。千帆是黄河里的老船。“病树前头万木春“。病树是之前的顾明远。万木是现在的黄河边的草。春天要来了。雪要落了。他要醒了。要画完那个圆了。要回到起点了。要不再骗自己了。
他抱着摄像机。看着窗外的沟壑。看着慢慢清晰的天。看着越来越近的兰州。看着心里慢慢展开的记忆。他知道。他要拍完那卷胶卷。要拍真实的黄河。要拍真实的自己。要拍真实的孩子。要拍所有不骗人的东西。然后回来。回到塬上。回到渡口。回到老船夫的船边。回到老周的身边。回到黄河的红泥里。回到根上。
“力务“的霓虹灯已经看不见了。但是红的光还晃在他脑子里。像惩罚。像提醒。像希望。他不再算时间线了。因为记不清就是惩罚。但是没关系。他要去找苏眠。要问清楚。要敢命名那个孩子。要敢画完那个圆。要敢回到起点。要敢不骗自己。
车还在往前开。车轮碾过黄土路。咯吱响。像他膝盖里的石英砂在磨。像他心里的褶皱在展开。像他生命的圆在慢慢画完。雪要来了。兰州的雪。苏眠的雪。孩子的雪。他的雪。都要来了。他不怕了。因为他不骗自己了。
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