第2章 缺席的父亲,风沙埋疑
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底。空荡荡的缸壁内侧落满薄沙、积着陈年尘土,只剩缸底边角粘着一层刮不干净的细碎粮屑,无声诉说着家境的窘迫绝境。整户人家仅剩的全部口粮,是半袋磨得极其粗糙干涩、混杂着往年囤积沙米碎粒的玉米面。颗粒粗粝扎手、干涩发硬,入口刮喉刺舌、苦涩难咽,毫无半点滋养气血、固本培元的功效。
这便是母子三人日复一日、朝朝暮暮的唯一吃食。无蛋、无油、无盐、无细粮、无荤腥、无果蔬,没有一丝一毫能够滋养产后亏虚身体的养分。寻常产妇用以温补身子、修复肌理的鸡蛋热汤、细面软食、滋补汤水,在这座孤苦荒院里,是闻所未闻、见所未见、想都不敢想的极致奢念。长期的营养匮乏,让她的身体恢复彻底停滞,旧伤难愈、新寒缠身,也让两个孩子自小根植下体弱贫瘠、缺暖少养的生存底色。
维系一家人生计的水源,是两里外低洼深井抽取的地底凉水。那口深井是整片戈壁散户区数十户人家共用的唯一活命水源,井水清冽透彻、四季不枯,养活了整片荒滩的苦命人,却也藏着戈壁独有的蚀骨阴寒。井水终年浸润地底深层湿冷阴气,盛夏不暖、深冬彻骨,无论四季轮转,始终带着穿透皮肉、侵入脏腑的寒凉。
产后妇人本就体虚畏寒、气血大亏、肌理疏松、百脉空虚,最忌寒凉侵体、湿气入骨。一旦长期触碰、食用寒凉井水,寒气便会淤积脏腑、阻滞气血、损伤经络,落下经年难愈的风湿骨痛、气血淤堵、体虚早衰的顽疾,是一辈子都养不回来的病根。可李氏别无选择、毫无退路。在这片绝境荒滩,她连一口温水热汤都无从奢求。
烧水做饭需要柴火,而戈壁草木稀疏、植被稀缺,每一根枯枝干草,都需要人力奔赴数里之外的荒滩深处,顶着烈日风沙弯腰捡拾、捆扎负重、长途折返。她产后双腿发软、腰腹隐痛不止、浑身虚浮无力,静静站立片刻便头晕目眩、摇摇欲坠,连抬手梳发、转身挪步的力气都寥寥无几,更别说弯腰拾柴、负重赶路、往返数里荒滩奔波。
为了极致省柴、为了勉强活命、为了撑住母子三人的生计,她只能层层克扣自己的暖意与生机。多数时日,她的三餐皆是一碗微凉的粗面清汤,兑两勺地底凉水,抓一把粗粝玉米面简单搅开,煮出一碗清薄见底、寡淡无味、无滋无养的汤水。没有滚烫暖意、没有饱腹踏实、没有滋养功效,只有一腔寒凉日日入腹,反复侵蚀着她本就亏虚破败的躯体。
这样的膳食,既填不饱辘辘空腹,更补不了周身亏虚的气血。日复一日的寒凉入腹、营养匮乏、热量不足、精血持续耗空,让她的身体衰败速度远超恢复速度。她面色常年惨白如枯纸,毫无血色生机,眼底青黑深重郁结,面容蜡黄憔悴、轮廓瘦削脱形;浑身筋骨始终透着散不去的酸软乏力、沉滞疲惫,稍一抬手、转身、起身,便天旋地转、虚汗淋漓、心慌气短,整个人如同风中残烛、悬空枯叶,脆弱得仿佛一阵风沙便能彻底吹垮。
白日的戈壁,盛夏燥热虽已褪去大半,却依旧留存着滔天热浪的余威,死死笼罩、碾压着整片荒滩。烈日高悬澄澈天幕,无遮无挡、肆无忌惮地烘烤着干裂的地皮与简陋的土坯房,墙面晒得滚烫灼手,屋内空气闷稠凝滞、浑浊压抑。密不透风的狭小土屋,像一口密闭封存的蒸笼,闷热窒息、浊气弥漫,让人胸口发堵、呼吸发紧、心神昏沉,连简单的换气抬手都觉得万般费力。
李氏不敢出门、也绝对不能出门。一来她体虚畏光、气血严重不足,禁不起烈日暴晒、风沙吹拂、昼夜温差的反复折腾,稍遇外界刺激便会眩晕虚脱、浑身脱力;二来两个年幼孩子无人看护、寸步离不得,襁褓幼子离不开母体温度与贴身照料,四岁长子懵懂年幼、无人依傍,她哪怕身心俱疲、濒临崩溃,也只能死死困在炕头一方狭小区域里,困在昏沉昏暗、贫瘠压抑的屋内,日复一日画地为牢。
她的视野被死死框定在方寸小屋之内,日复一日重复着单调、压抑、孤寂的光景。耳边是永不停歇的风沙嘶吼,风穿破损窗缝、沙落腐朽屋檐,沙沙簌簌、呜呜咽咽的声响日夜不绝,缠人耳膜、扰人心神,让她终日不得清净,心神始终紧绷疲惫;怀里是幼子断断续续、细碎微弱的啼哭,稚嫩的声线裹着饥饿、寒凉、不安与孱弱,一遍遍拉扯她本就脆弱涣散的心神,磨蚀着她仅剩的气力与耐心;眼前是斑驳开裂、掉沙掉土的黄土墙,是落尘积沙、发黑陈旧的老旧屋梁,是空空荡荡、无一物富余、处处漏风的清贫小屋。
眼底心底,皆是空空落落的荒芜、沉沉压人的孤寂,像是被戈壁风沙彻底掏空了所有暖意、所有期盼、所有生机、所有温柔。她像被困在荒滩牢笼里的孤鸟,无枝可依、无路可逃、无人共情,只能日复一日默默承受命运的所有苦难与碾压。
一旦入夜,戈壁便骤然翻脸、极致反转,露出最残忍、最冷酷、最不近人情的本色。白日蒸腾燥热尽数褪去,毫无过渡
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