1菜刀砍老鬼

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    我叫吴凡,刚刚从医院做完检查,呵呵,老天真特么会玩,医生给我的诊断证明,晚癌末期,最多还有三个月的生命保质期……
    我坐在楼顶上,看着地面,这个忙碌的世界,我不甘心,我宁愿相信世上有鬼,我也不想一个人孤独的去死,特么的,我什么都没有了,凭什么还不让我活了?!
    一阵脚步声传来,我回头看去,以为是个保安,可上来的,是个跟我差不多年岁的中年,他捏着罐啤酒,也跟我一样大剌剌的,坐在楼顶的外沿上……
    他冲我举着啤酒罐,“大男人,别犯傻笔了,有啥想不开的,只要一时不死,活着,就有机会……”
    我撇撇嘴,“我特么的快死了,还有三个月的罪受,与其疼死,不如我一头扎下去痛快……”
    他点头,“嗯,明白……我姓姜……我有一个祖传的药方,包治各种绝症,反正你都不怕死了,试试呗,兴许单车变摩托,万一治好了……”
    我斜着眼,瞅着他,“呵呵,看你穿的就混的也不咋样,祖传的嘴炮啊!”
    老姜急头赖脸的叫道,“我可以对天发誓,我们老姜家,中国人不骗中国人……”
    我摆手打断他,“行了,拿出方子来啊,我先看看真假……”
    老姜“咱先下去,这老高的,我可不想高坠到底,摔成个烂西瓜柿子饼……”
    我冲他比比大拇指,“你挺会说话,老流弊啊……”
    我本来就是上来吹风的,三个月的命也是命,我才不会傻笔拉忽的自杀了事,阎王想要我的命,我偏不给他,我一定跟他耗到底,反正他不来找我要,我绝不向他靠近一步,我都拖拉、磨叽,瞎混了一辈子了,我凭啥临末了干脆利落啊,我就是个老赖,老无耻了,我就赖在人间不走,咋滴吧!
    老姜拉开他的破面包,“来,车上说……”
    我摸摸他的座椅,“卧槽,这都带包浆了,初代、老爷车啊!”
    老姜呲呲牙,“车就是个工具,鞋子……”
    “嗯,你这破鞋,得换了,都有鱼腥味了……”
    “马上,你看看我这药方……”
    “这宣纸都酥了……像是清代的……这墨……香的……不像现在的那么臭……可这写的啥啊?……油炸鬼……?!”
    老姜“这世上还真有鬼,我亲眼所见,真的,骗你我死全家……”
    我,“看来你跟我一样,打独根,家里没人了……”
    老姜点点头,“这个鬼,咱抓了,一过油,它就是一味奇药……”
    我摊摊手,“我就是信你也没用啊,我一凡人,有鬼我也不会抓啊……”
    “冇事,功夫再好也怕菜刀,乱拳打死老师傅,鬼也一样捣鼓,弄它就完了……”
    “不是吧,这么莽?你以前抓住过没有?你怎么就认上我了啊?!”
    老姜尴尬的笑笑,“别人都当我神经了……就你上我车,还说话了……世人笑我太疯癫,我笑世人看不穿,呵呵……”
    “卧槽,感情我是头一份,还要跟你一起见鬼啊?!”
    “你信我……”
    “我特么的谁都不信,就信你的邪了!”
    “反正你快要死了,试试吧,死都不怕了,还怕鬼啊!”
    “特么的,我怕我当天变了鬼,省下三个月的时间,艹!”
    我嘴上说着,心里也很纠结,这世上有赌不怕输,就怕没的赌。
    就像抛硬币,正反两面,各占一半的概率,不动不抛,连一半的机会都没有!
    我一狠心,一咬牙,“我跟你玩了!你特么要骗我,我一刀剁了你先!”
    老姜笑了,“今夜要过不去,不用你出手,我自己就钻地了!”
    约好了时间,地点,我们各自回去准备。
    我在家里灌了两瓶啤酒,俗话说,喝酒壮胆,又吃了一碟子蒜泥,传说,鬼怕蒜味,又磨了菜刀,老爹年轻时候是打铁的,这刀是他亲自打的,属于纪念品了。
    黑天十点左右,我下了楼,老姜也开车到了,一拉门,上去,他一脚油门,我们奔向西山里……
    西山里,入口,拐弯,有个山峪,叫姚峪。
    老姜停了车,“这里老早以前,叫妖峪,很邪乎的,自从建国后,改了名,才压住了……”
    “那不就是没鬼了,咱来干屁啊?”
    “不,六十年一轮回,现在到了鬼的活跃期了……你看!”
    我顺着他手指方向,一片槐树林子,雾气蒙蒙……
    “特么的,真是妖气腾腾的……”
    我俩走近,一棵上百年的,合抱粗的大槐树底下,四处张望,胆战心惊的……
    老姜挠挠头,“我记得就是这片,怎么没有了……”
    突然,我觉得四周一阵冰凉,一股阴风吹着头皮发麻……
    我一抬头,“卧槽!”
    一个白衣飘飘的鬼玩意,跟拍电影似的,凭空出现……
    它一下降落在地上,一个转身,吓的我差点尿了……
    特么的这么惨白的鬼,血红的舌头吐着老长……
    一阵“咯咯咯呵呵呵”鬼泣叫嚣,“你们在找我吗?小弟弟,过来玩啊……”
    老姜,袖里一根红木棍,一甩,“老鬼,你吓唬你麻笔啊!”
    我刚挺佩服他敢跟鬼叫号。
    特么的,他就被鬼吐出一米八的大红舌头给缠住脖子,举在半空,勒的他,手刨脚蹬,眼看要练上闭气功了!
    我也急了,举着菜刀,老姜嘴炮了,我可不能熊了!
    那鬼另一只鬼手,耍着一根绳索,跟七节鞭似的抡开了……
    “啪啪啪”,一连抽了我三个滚,好悬没跌闷了气……
    老姜还在两手使出洪荒之力,抠着勒脖子的鬼舌头……
    我又到不了近前,都打不着鬼的衣服角,这再耗下去,老姜完了,我也就快了。
    我“嘭”的硬挨着一绳鞭,手里的刀,一下飞出,空中打着旋转,斩向鬼舌头……
    “嚓”的,一刀,那条鬼舌头,就给他削断了!
    都说十指连心,舌头连着心肺,疼的那鬼“嗷”的一声嚎,整个槐树林都在晃,树叶子,跟下雨似的,纷纷扬扬的飘……
    老姜扯开脖子上的断舌,“继续别停,砍他!!”
    “啊?!”
    我一个滚,拿起插在土里的刀,一棱眼珠子,“我特么砍死你个鬼东西!!”
    我对着鬼,使出浑身的力,一派乱抡乱劈……
    这可是砍鬼啊,狠劲的砍,洪荒之力,宇宙之力,弄老婆,生孩子的劲,都给他使上!
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